Who Owns the Problem – Taking Back Control

Who owns the problem - taking back controlDiane is intelligent, driven and stuck in a dead end job. “Why do I always settle for boring jobs I’m overqualified for?”, she asked in a recent session. “I know I have so much more to contribute but whenever I see a position that really interests me, I always seem to find some excuse why I’m not cut out for it.”

Melissa, on the other hand, has been the rising star of her company. She was recently promoted to a managerial position. But her star is starting to look a little tarnished. Her boss sat her down recently because her department wasn’t hitting its goals. She thinks her former coworkers are jealous of her success and trying to sabotage her.

What do these two women have in common? In order to find the solution they need to figure out who owns the problem.

Whenever you are stuck, blaming someone else or making excuses chances are  you are either taking ownership of a problem that’s NOT yours or avoiding a problem that IS yours.

After some further questioning, Diane told me she paid for her college education although her parents footed the bill for her brother. Her father didn’t see any point in a woman getting an education. His expectations for Diane didn’t go beyond getting married and having children. The message she got was women aren’t as worthy. All through college, her father constantly called her “Miss High and Mighty” for daring to want more. And while she did graduate from college, her father’s message became the tape that played in her head. Diane was taking responsibility for a problem she didn’t own. It was eating away at her self-esteem and keeping her trapped in jobs well below her skill level. She had internalized her father’s opinion instead of viewing it as just that – HIS opinion. She didn’t own the problem – her father did.

Melissa charged into her managerial position like a bull in a china shop. She implemented changes and then started micromanaging her team. Her team rebelled and dug their heels in and productivity dropped. Melissa didn’t see how her managerial style was affecting morale and tried to pass off her problem on to her coworkers, blaming them for not hitting the goals. After overhearing one of her employees call her “The Dictator”, she questioned how her behavior might be affecting everyone else. She took ownership of the problem and began changing how she interacted with her team.

We all want control over our lives and the answer to “who owns the problem” is all about who has control. When you are owning someone else’s problem, like Diane, you are letting someone else control you. When you are blaming someone else for your problem, you are trying to control them. The only person we have control over is ourselves so it’s important to take care of our own problems.

 

Scorecard for Success

success is consistently doing the right things

I’m working with a client who wants to start her own business. Her idea is solid; she spent a lot of time researching it and putting together a business plan and website. But when it came time to implement it, she suddenly found herself distracted and losing interest. Her enthusiasm waned and she ignored it for a year. She hired me after she was laid off from her job and the thought of looking for another “soul-sucking” position (her words) made her sick and depressed. She realized it was time to go for it.

With coaching, she saw how her lack of confidence, self-doubts and fear of rejection were holding her back from marketing and promoting her business.

Marketing and self-promotion are vital to the success of any business. It doesn’t matter how good your idea is if no one knows about it. This was the problem my client was running into. She was focusing on her fears and doubts it triggered and stopped her from doing anything.

I’ve been in her shoes. When I created my business I wasn’t getting much attention. I knew the next step was to promote it and I procrastinated. I suffered from the same self-doubts and fear of rejection many of my clients have. (It’s a common issue with many woman). Suddenly it dawned on me. Building a client base is nothing more than consistently taking the right action. It’s a numbers game and a scorecard is the perfect tool. Not only can you track your progress, it also diverts your attention away from all those imaginary goblins in your mind (that trigger your worst fears) by giving you concrete steps to focus on.

Scorecard for Success

Here’s how it works. Write down all the steps needed to achieve your goal. In my client’s case, it’s increasing traffic to her website. How do you get traffic to your website? There are a number of things you can do:

  • start a blog and post regularly
  • offer a freebie for subscribers
  • build a presence in your industry’s community (think Linkedin or professional associations)
  • guest blog
  • be a podcast guest
  • give a speech
  • submit articles

Pick a few things you think will give you the best results and be consistent in your efforts. If you don’t know where to start, look at what other successful people did and start there.

Marketing is about building a presence and trust. It’s not a one shot deal, you need to do it consistently and this is where most people fail. They are impatient, want results too soon and give up. But if you are patient and consistently take the right action, eventually things will tip in your favor.

Create your Scorecard

Create a spreadsheet (or just write it on a piece of paper, it doesn’t have to be fancy or complicated) and write down in one column all your steps. Every time you do something on your scorecard, mark it. I find a weekly scorecard works best. At the end of the week tally up how many times you did each step (i.e. wrote a blog post, articles submitted, etc). Don’t overwhelm yourself with too many things. Start with three things and re-evaluate after a couple of months.

Keeping score accomplishes a couple of things:

  1. Weekly “to-do” list of action items. We tend to complicate things. Having a scorecard creates a system. All you have to do is work it.
  2. Stay focused. In the beginning, you will expend more effort and energy on your goal because you haven’t gained any momentum. Ideally, after consistently taking the right action and things are moving, it will take less effort to maintain your momentum. Focus on your action steps and give them time to work instead of jumping all over the place and wondering why nothing’s working.
  3. Feedback. How do you know if you’re taking the right action? Numbers don’t lie. Try something and give it sufficient time (three months) and if you aren’t getting the results you want, try something different! When you have quantifiable data you can properly asses your progress and switch gears where needed.
  4. Build good habits. When you do something consistently, you end up creating a habit. Good habits simplify life.

The scorecard was a game changer for me and my clients. It’s simple and effective. Give it a try for one of your goals.

How to Stay Motivated

How to stay motivated

Why is it 92% of us who make New Year’s resolutions abandon them before January is even over?

A new year means a new beginning. We reflect on how much (or little) we accomplished the last year and promise ourselves this year will be better/different. This year we’ll lose the weight, finish our degree, get a better job, travel more, etc. Our enthusiasm and optimism is running high – we are motivated with a capital M. But sometime before February 1 we start running out of steam, we are stressed, tired and end up falling into our same old habits and routines.

How to Stay Motivated

How do we keep up our enthusiasm for our goals in the “real” world?

  1. Come up with a compelling “why”. What is the reason for wanting this goal? To feel better, make more money, find a sense of purpose, be more fulfilled? It should be personal (i.e. something you feel strongly about achieving, not something your parents/significant other/boss/friends think you should do).
  2. Make it positive. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – make your “why” positive. You will be focusing on it a lot and it’s hard to stay motivated if your constantly pounding away at the negative. For instance, if your goal is to lose weight (even the word “lose” has a negative connotation), focus on the positive benefits such as better health, feel better, have more energy (your compelling “why”) instead of “I don’t want to be fat”. With the latter, fat becomes your focus and you’ll end up with more of it, not less! Examine your goal, if achieving it makes you feel like you have to deprive yourself, you need to either find another goal or get a different perspective on the situation.
  3. Envision the end result. Create a vision for life after you’ve reached your goal. Imagine what you’ll look like, how you’ll feel (joy, pride, confidence, peace, etc). The key is to make your vision as vivid as possible to tap into strong, positive emotions. I make it a habit to think about my goals right before I fall asleep because our minds are in a receptive state. Another way to keep your vision front and center is to create a vision board or post pictures on your bathroom mirror or fridge. The pictures you choose should evoke a positive emotion.
  4. Break your goal into small steps. Maybe your goal is to lose 50 pounds. That’s a pretty daunting goal – it can feel out of reach when you’re just getting started. Break your goal down. Commit to losing two pounds this week. Feels much more doable.
  5. Find a buddy. Find a friend who is working on goals (they don’t have to be the same goals) and check in with each other. First, having someone support you, cheer you on, bounce ideas off of and bitch to is helpful. Secondly, if you’re like me, I tend to find it harder to break a promise or disappoint someone else so I tend to step up my game.
  6. Celebrate the wins. Don’t wait until you’ve achieved your goal, celebrate all the small little wins along the way. Find ways to celebrate that won’t throw you off track or sabotage your progress (such as treating yourself to a donut when you’ve lost 2 pounds). It could be something simple like hitting the neighborhood park, watching an episode of your current Netflix obsession, indulging in a hot bath with candles and music, any little treat you wouldn’t normally do.
  7. Learn from the losses. There will be times when things don’t work out so well, maybe you backslide. Forgive yourself, learn from it and move on. Maybe it’s a sign you need to take a different approach. Maybe you’re pushing yourself too hard and need some downtime. But don’t use it as an excuse to give up. One slip doesn’t mean failure. It means you’re human.

 

Quit Depending on Willpower

Willpower is ineffective in achieving goalsThe American Psychological Association does an annual survey called Stress in America. The most cited reason for not being able to follow through on changes (such as losing weight) is willpower.

What is Willpower?

Willpower is self-control. The ability to delay gratification, a strong determination, or restraint. Willpower is a tool our conscious mind uses to help us control our lives. It carries a negative connotation – deprivation. It is an ineffective way to achieve goals.

Why Willpower is Ineffective

To illustrate why, I’ll share with you what I learned in my neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) training.

Willpower is an ineffective tool to changeThink of your mind as an iceberg. The tip of the iceberg, the part that is above water, represents your conscious awareness. In addition to willpower, we also use rational and analytical thinking as a way to control ourselves. Unfortunately, only about ten percent of what we do, we do consciously.

Below the water line lies the rest of the iceberg, our subconscious mind. This accounts for 90% of our behavior. Herein lies our habits, physiological systems (ie. breathing), impulses and emotions and our strategies for dealing with our world.

When we employ willpower to make changes in our lives, such as weight loss, we are only using ten percent of our mind. However, the other 90% is running the show. You are pitting logic (conscious mind) against emotions and deeply ingrained habits and strategies. As a result, willpower is always going to be a struggle.

If you want to elicit real, permanent change, you have to get your subconscious on board and leverage its power.

Imagination is More Effective than Willpower

There is a reason why diets fail and you have trouble breaking bad habits (habits of thought included).With willpower, you are in a constant battle with your subconscious mind. The odds are against you and your subconscious mind is going to sabotage your efforts.

Instead of having your subconscious fight you, (willpower creates stress by exerting force) you want to win it over so it will work for you. How do you do that?

Luckily, we have the perfect tool – imagination. Imagination is positive and affirming. Using our imagination diminishes stress and opens up our creative channels instead of strong-arming us into submission, like willpower.

Change in itself is often stressful. The key is to find the path of least resistance, make it as easy and fun as possible. Imagination and visualization helps us do that. There are a couple of guidelines to make this work:

  1. Know your “why” – what is motivating you to make this change?  What result or outcome do you want? Just because your spouse, boss, parent, etc said you should do it is not enough motivation and chances are you won’t succeed. Make it personal and meaningful to you.
  2. Make it positive – When you have your why, the reason you want to make this change in your life or why you want to achieve a goal, make sure it’s positive. When times get tough (and there will be some rough patches), your “why” is going to be your life preserver. It’s going to remind you of the big payoff of all this hard work. You’re going to be giving it a lot of focus, so make it positive. If you’re goal is to lose weight because you are tired of being called a fat slob, then all that’s going to do is dredge up bad feelings. And if you’re an emotional eater, next thing you know you’re shoving down donuts as a means to comfort yourself. Instead, focus on the positive aspects of losing weight – having more energy to play with your kids, feeling better, etc.

Once you determine your reasons for making a change/achieving a goal are truly yours and you are motivated to do it, you can enlist the power of your imagination and use visualization instead of willpower.

Note: Imagination/visualization are tools to keep you motivated and should be used in conjunction with action, not instead of. Without action, you aren’t going to achieve anything.

How do you use imagination to help create positive, permanent change? Find a (preferably) quiet place. Giving yourself time right after you wake up or right before you go to bed is ideal but you can do it anywhere – while on the train/bus to work, waiting in line, drinking your morning coffee, taking a shower, etc. Then use your imagination to visualize any of the following scenarios. Make it as real as possible, include sounds, smells, sensations, etc. Evoke as many positive emotions and feelings as you can.

  1. Visualize your life after you’ve accomplished your goal. If it’s weight loss, imagine how you will look in your new clothes and how confident you feel. Picture your new found energy, imagine just how much better you feel when you can climb up stairs or playing with your (grand) children without getting winded. Focusing on the end result will help keep you motivated.
  2. Mentally rehearse. Our brains don’t distinguish between real and imaginary events (which is why our bodies react to imaginary fears as if they were really happening). Athletes employ this technique all the time but it can be used for any situation. You can rehearse a speech, visualizing yourself in front of the crowd, appearing confident, enjoying yourself.
  3. Vent your emotions.Change is hard and one of the things that trips us up is our impulses and emotions. And since what we resist, persists, give them a voice and acknowledge them instead of burying them. If you don’t, eventually they’ll rear their ugly little heads and the littlest thing will push you over the edge. Instead, invite all those emotions in – fear, jealousy, doubt. You can give them names and personalities. Let them have their say and vent. You can do this in your head or you can write it out in a journal, which is my favorite method. The point is, acknowledging them diffuses their power.

When you use these tools, you’ll achieve your goals with less stress because you’re leveraging your subconscious mind with the power of your imagination instead of trying to force yourself through willpower. In other words, which would you prefer, a boss who is a drill sergeant or someone who acts more like a mentor?