Self Confidence Tips

Tips for Self-Confidence

My clients often ask me “How can I become more confident?” Lack of confidence appears to be a major stumbling block for many women. The problem is we think confidence is the source of our success when it is the result of our success.

Self-confidence is a trust in our abilities. We have faith we are capable of doing what we need to do. Where does this trust and faith come from? Experience. Think about something you’re really good at, for example, cooking. Chances are you weren’t so good in the beginning. But it held your interest and you kept at it, practicing it until it became second nature. Over time you became confident enough to experiment and create your own recipes. You didn’t begin confident, but you grew confident with practice.

So what do you do in situations when you’re entering new territory, moving outside of your comfort zone and learning new skills? Situations where your confidence is low?

Confidence is nice to have but it isn’t required to proceed. When we were toddlers, learning how to walk and talk, we weren’t concerned about confidence but we were motivated. We just kept practicing until we became proficient.

As toddlers, our efforts were praised, no matter what the outcome was. Later on, especially in school, we learned mistakes were “bad” and to be avoided so many of us developed an aversion to going outside of our comfort zone lest we look stupid. Right around this time we start developing the Voice of Judgement.That’s the voice in our head that tells us we aren’t good enough, we’ll be laughing stocks, etc. Unfortunately you’re not going to get rid of that voice but you can choose to refocus your thoughts and drown it out. Here are some tips for cultivating confidence:

Self Confidence Tips

Acknowledge your Successes

Often we take for granted the things we are good at and what we accomplished. Recognize all you have already succeeded at – and by succeed, I mean know how to do proficiently – both personal and professional. Mastering language (reading, writing and speaking) is one of the most complex things we had to learn and we did it at a very young age. No matter how good you are at something, you started out as a beginner. Remember that the next time you take on a new challenge. You may not have confidence specifically in this new area but you do have the confidence of knowing you were able to learn and become proficient at other tasks.

Focus on your Desired Outcome

Fear of speaking in public is suppose to rank higher than death. What causes people to get up in front of an audience, sputter, go blank and generally mess up? They are focused on…drum roll please…sputtering and going blank! Focus on what you want to happen. Visualize yourself confidently giving your speech, remembering all your points with ease and the audience listening attentively and clapping enthusiastically when you’re done.

Prepare & Practice

Confidence comes with practice. If you have to give a speech, write out what you are going to say and practice it. Practice it in front of family members, practice while you’re stuck in traffic, practice it while you’re showering. Even if you’ve never given a speech in your entire life, preparing what you are going to say and practicing it will breed confidence.

Think Positively

You’ve heard the saying “garbage in garbage out” as it relates to computers. Well, the same thing can be said for your brain. What we say and think will be literally translated by our brains. If you constantly tell yourself “I can’t…” your brain will follow your instructions. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Beware of the negative self-talk and the Voice of Judgement. If you catch yourself saying “I can’t…”, challenge yourself – “Who says I can’t?” Take the confidence you have in other areas of your life and use it to assure yourself that if you can master knitting (car repair, baking, etc) you can master this too.

Ask for Help

If nothing else works, ask for help. This can take on many different forms – finding a mentor, taking a class, reading a book, joining a group, asking someone who’s done it before. Ask in a respectful manner, being cognizant of their time. Some people will say no, thank them and move on until you find someone who can help you.

Goal Setting – A little self-knowledge goes a long way

Goal Setting

In my last post, I talked about the formula for successfully achieving our goals. When you’re setting goals, a good place to start is knowing what makes you tick. We all have goals but if you want to increase your odds of actually realizing them, it’s important to know if you are setting the right goals. I can’t stress the importance of this. One of my goals was to go to college. I chose my major because it was the least repulsive of all the business majors, never even considering if I would like the jobs it would get me. I paid the price of that poor decision for decades!

Goal Setting – The First Step

The first step to setting a goal is to assess your personal preferences, what NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) refers to as meta programs. Basically, it’s how you like to operate. Some of us are detail-oriented, some of us are big picture. Do you prefer to work independently or do you thrive in a team – these sorts of questions.

It’s important consider how you work best and if your goal aligns with those preferences or if you’re going against your grain, so to speak. Now, I’m not suggesting you don’t take on new challenges and learn new skills, that’s the reason for goal setting. I’m saying achieving your goals will be easier if you can find a way to do it that utilizes your preferences and strengths. It’s criteria to evaluate not only which goals to set but also how you choose to accomplish them.

For instance, a common goal is to start an exercise program. Many people will rush out this time of year and spend money on fancy machines (which later become very expensive clothes racks…) or on a gym membership. Because that’s what we are programmed to think of when we think “exercise”. I don’t know about you, but I hate going to the gym and none of my memberships have lasted very long.

When this happens, our self-esteem takes a huge hit. We blame ourselves – we lack discipline and willpower and go back to our comfortable, sedentary lifestyle feeling like a failure.

But the problem isn’t us, the problem is we picked the wrong exercise. There are many different paths to achieving our goals, it’s up to us to find the right path, one which makes it easier for us to commit to the challenges we’ll face along the way. So if you don’t like the gym, try yoga, dancing, jump rope, martial arts, running, walking, swimming…you get the idea.

When setting goals, give it some thought. First, is this a goal you really want? Second, is it well suited to your temperament? Can you leverage your strengths?

How do you know if your goal is something you’ll ultimately be happy you spent your precious time on? The truth is, sometimes you won’t know until you try it. For major goals (i.e. going back to school, switching careers), I suggest a trial period before investing too much time and money. Do some research, talk to people who are doing what you want to do. See if you can do some volunteer work or an internship. Otherwise you might feel obligated to stay with it even though you hate it.

I thought it would be fun to be an interior designer but the reality of what one actually does vs. what I thought they did convinced me to stick to decorating my own home for fun.

Humans are goal-oriented. Part of this journey we call life is setting goals and seeking out new opportunities to challenge ourselves and grow. The first step before embarking on any goal is to make sure it’s a goal you truly want and pick the plan best suited to your personality.

If you are having trouble achieving your goals and feel like you are spinning your wheels, check out my book Stop Dreaming About Your Life and Start Living It, Reignite your passion for life by achieving your goals.