Have you ever said or did something stupid?
Do you let it go?
Or, are you like me and after the fact replay the scene over and over and over again in your mind? So instead of feeling the shame, guilt or whatever, learning from it and moving on, you hold onto it, letting it fester?
Let’s face it, we are not perfect. We get tired, hungry, lonely, angry and we react in the moment only to regret it. It happens. How you think about the situation will determine whether or not you learn from it or let it become another chip in your self-esteem.
In Psycho-Cybernetics 2000 by the Maxwell Maltz Foundation and Bobbe Sommer, there is an acronym – SEEDS – that will help put these events into perspective. You’ll learn the lesson and move on instead reliving the moment over and over again, which is not only unproductive but damaging to your self-esteem.
Here is what it means and how it works:
S-See the situation as neutral. Depersonalize it. It isn’t always easy, especially when you where the one that fueled it to begin with. How do you do it? It’s with language. Don’t let the situation define you. Instead of saying “I am so stupid!”, say “That was a stupid thing to say”
E- Evaluate the situation, who owns the problem? Well, if you were the one who said/did something, chances are you own it. Take full responsibility. “I’m sorry, that was a stupid thing to say.” We don’t want to be wrong or appear vulnerable but when we accept responsibility for our actions, people appreciate it and most will understand and move on.
E- Shift your emotions to fit your evaluation. Just because you said/did something stupid doesn’t mean you are a stupid person. You can still be a good/smart/kind, etc person who said something stupid. Join the club – it’s called being human.
D- Do something about the situation. The mistake isn’t the bad part, most people understand mistakes happen. The real test comes in how you handle the mistake. Productive action gives you back control of the situation. Doing so allows closure by turning a negative situation into a positive one. Otherwise you’re just hanging onto all that negative energy and it will continue to spill out into other areas of your life. So instead of stubbornly denying it or blaming someone else, ask what can you do to rectify the situation? What can you do differently next time?
S-Self-esteem is restored. As I said previously, holding onto that negative picture diminishes our confidence. Using the SEEDS process allows us to shift it from a negative to a positive.
The beauty of the SEEDS analysis is that it can be used for any situation causing you stress, not just the ones that you created. SEEDS helps us put things in perspective and makes us realize that we do have control over how we see things and we do have power to change it.