The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction

My knowledge of the Law of Attraction comes from three books I recently read (in this order): Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn (Grabhorn wrote her book six years before The Secret came out), The Law of Attraction, the Basics of the Teachings of Abraham by Esther and Jerry Hicks and Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Power of Intention.

Grabhorn’s book was a good introduction to the concept, less “woo-woo”. The Hick’s book helped fill in some of the missing holes. It definitely requires you to open your mind a bit more, but by the time I read it, I was receptive to its message. Dr. Dyer’s book only mentions the law of attraction once but after reading the first two books it was obvious to me what it was about. He comes at it from the perspective of intention, citing Shaman and eastern religious philosophies.

Grabhorn’s book was the first published, followed by Dyer’s and then Esther and Jerry Hick’s book (their book was the catalyst for The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, which I have not read but I did see the video.)

The Cliff Notes version of the Law of Attraction is this: You get what you focus on.

The concept is that we are all made up of energy. Energy vibrates at different frequencies and like a tuning fork (or magnets) like attracts like. Our thoughts and beliefs create energy in the form of our emotions and it is these feelings that determine how we’re vibrating. When we feel good, we are vibrating at a high frequency. When we feel bad we are vibrating at a low frequency. So the key is to direct our focus to the things we want – that make us feel good – so we’ll attract more of it into our life. It’s remarkably simple – in any situation all you have to do is pay attention to how you feel. If you feel good, you’re on the right track. If you don’t, then you need to redirect your focus or reframe your thinking until you do.

Is it easy? Hardly, because we’ve become so conditioned by habits of thoughts and false beliefs that it is hard to tap into that pure feeling of joy. Most of us have been brought up to focus on the negatives. Think of how many times we heard the word “no” or “don’t do that.” when we were children. And it continues into adulthood. We tend to think about what we don’t want (I don’t want to be fat) or what we lack (I wish I had a better job). Even when we do focus on what we want, we don’t believe we can have it (I want a Porsche but…).

This is hardly new stuff. It’s been written about by all the major religions. The great Greek philosophers talked about it. More current (and still popular) contributors include James Allen’s little tome – As a Man Thinketh – written in the early 1900’s and Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich.

I’ve noticed it in my own life and I’m sure you can bring up examples too. I can think back to my last fender bender. It was raining and the thought going through my head was “The road is slippery, I hope I don’t slide into a car” and guess what I did – slid right into a car!

It’s taken me awhile to be receptive to the Law of Attraction. First of all, some might view it as “airy-fairy” stuff. “Sure,” you might say, “all I have to do is wish I had a million bucks and it’s going to be delivered to my door by some genie on a flying carpet <eye roll>”. And reading the Hick’s Law of Attraction is going to require an open mind because the Abraham they are referring to in the title is a collective of beings channeled through Esther Hicks. Don’t let your skepticism keep you from reading it.

But the underlying message does make sense. Admit it – when you’re in a good mood it seems like everything is going your way. And when you wake up on the “wrong side of the bed”, you just can’t seem to catch a break, it’s one disaster after another. You wonder why you bothered getting up.

Applying the law of attraction is simple. All you have to do is figure out what you REALLY want and focus on it. You can tell if you are doing it right because you will feel good. If you feel bad, then you are focusing on a don’t want, lack of or some other negative thought/belief. Change your focus or reframe your thoughts until you feel good. You don’t have to monitor every single thought you have, you don’t have to examine why you have these thoughts, all you have to do is be aware of how you are feeling.

Here’s the thing many people miss, this isn’t about wishful thinking, you do have to take action. Creating is a verb, after all, and the whole point is to deliberately (as opposed to by default – which is a huge portion of the population) create the life you want. The creation process begins in our heads – we must think it into being, we must see it, visualize it and expect that we’ll get it and then we will be inspired, guided or led to take perfect action. Through our vibrations we will draw the people, events, things, ideas, etc into our life so we can create what we want with ease. “Action that comes from the feeling of inspiration is action that will produce good results,” according to Abraham in The Law of Attraction. In Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting, Grabhorn writes “Does this mean we stop doing? Of course not. We just substitute inspired doing for wasted doing by stopping our constant knee-jerk responses to everything…Action becomes a joy instead of a ‘have to’.”

When we work from a negative perspective, when we are desperate, needy, angry, etc. any action we take is like trying to climb uphill pushing a boulder.

So what does this all mean in terms of creating a business?

The big takeaway for me is to be very clear about what you want and focus on it. What kind of business do you want? What problem are you solving? Who do you want to serve (your ideal client) and get as specific as possible. Only when I was crystal clear on what I was trying to achieve with my business (my vision and mission) and who my ideal client was (it took me over a year of working at my business to figure all this out) and focused solely on that, did it start to grow.

What has been your experience with the law of attraction? I’d love to hear your opinions, comments and stories.

Stop Replaying Negative Tapes

Quit Replaying Negative Tapes

Have you ever said or did something stupid?

Do you let it go?

Or, are you like me and after the fact replay the scene over and over and over again in your mind? So instead of feeling the shame, guilt or whatever, learning from it and moving on, you hold onto it, letting it fester?

Let’s face it, we are not perfect. We get tired, hungry, lonely, angry and we react in the moment only to regret it. It happens. How you think about the situation will determine whether or not you learn from it or let it become another chip in your self-esteem.

In Psycho-Cybernetics 2000 by the Maxwell Maltz Foundation and Bobbe Sommer, there is an acronym – SEEDS – that will help put these events into perspective. You’ll learn the lesson and move on instead reliving the moment over and over again, which is not only unproductive but damaging to your self-esteem.

Here is what it means and how it works:

S-See the situation as neutral. Depersonalize it. It isn’t always easy, especially when you where the one that fueled it to begin with. How do you do it? It’s with language. Don’t let the situation define you. Instead of saying “I am so stupid!”, say “That was a stupid thing to say”

E- Evaluate the situation, who owns the problem? Well, if you were the one who said/did something, chances are you own it. Take full responsibility. “I’m sorry, that was a stupid thing to say.” We don’t want to be wrong or appear vulnerable but when we accept responsibility for our actions, people appreciate it and most will understand and move on.

E- Shift your emotions to fit your evaluation. Just because you said/did something stupid doesn’t mean you are a stupid person. You can still be a good/smart/kind, etc person who said something stupid. Join the club – it’s called being human.

D- Do something about the situation. The mistake isn’t the bad part, most people understand mistakes happen. The real test comes in how you handle the mistake. Productive action gives you back control of the situation. Doing so allows closure by turning a negative situation into a positive one. Otherwise you’re just hanging onto all that negative energy and it will continue to spill out into other areas of your life. So instead of stubbornly denying it or blaming someone else, ask what can you do to rectify the situation? What can you do differently next time?

S-Self-esteem is restored. As I said previously, holding onto that negative picture diminishes our confidence. Using the SEEDS process allows us to shift it from a negative to a positive.

The beauty of the SEEDS analysis is that it can be used for any situation causing you stress, not just the ones that you created. SEEDS helps us put things in perspective and makes us realize that we do have control over how we see things and we do have power to change it.

Emotional Intelligence

I recently attended a presentation on Emotional Intelligence  given by leadership expert and author Dr. Joe Serio.

Emotional intelligence is understanding and recognizing ours and the emotions of others and managing them, according Dr. Serio. The “game” (of job hunting, relationships, life) is about feelings. “It’s not about what you know, it’s about how you feel about what you know.” Your thoughts and beliefs often determine how we feel so emotional intelligence is about how you can better yourself and achieve your goals.

There are four parts to emotional intelligence. The first two are about you and the last two are about how you interact with others.

  1. Self-awareness – What are you telling yourself? What do you believe? What stories are you carrying around? Introspection can be painful as we hold onto past hurts and let them spill into our conversation.
  2. Self-management – how do you behave? Can you control your emotions or do you fly off the handle at the slightest offense?
  3. Social awareness – I have a friend that called it social fluidity – the ability to adapt to different personality types and find common ground in order to make a connection. Are you aware of social cues such as body language?
  4. Relationship management – How are your relationships? If you don’t know, ask them.This can be scary but listen even if you don’t like what they say ask what you can do differently.

As with everything else, it starts by asking yourself: who am I? What do I want? How am I going to get it? Clarity and focus is  the key. Once you’ve answered these questions, the next thing to figure out is your strategy for getting it.

You do have a strategy right? (Winning the lottery is not a valid strategy). Here’s the thing, as Dr. Joe said, in order to have something you’ve never had you have to do something you’ve never done. Nothing is going to change by playing it safe. If you’re not getting the results you want then do something different (I’ve said this multiple times).

Even when you have a strategy, we get stuck in a rut. “Everything happens outside of your comfort zone,” Dr. Joe reminds us.

What keeps us inside our comfort zone? Fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success, so many fears. Dr. Joe calls it a “what if” life when we give away our energy and power by mentally playing out negative scenarios.

So how do we manage our fears? He gives us a seven step process as follows:

  1. Acknowledge your fears. What we resist, persists.
  2. Identify it – As Alex Korb, UCLA neuroscience researcher and author of The Upward Spiral, listening, labeling and acknowledging our emotions lessons their impact. It has such a powerful effect on the brain that it is used in mediation, mindfulness and by FBI hostage negotiators.
  3. Measure it – how afraid are you? We let our fears get away from us by being hyperfocused on it and believing it’s real.
  4. Imagine the worst case scenario. Is it really all that bad in the grand scheme of things? If it is, at least you’ve identified the situation and the first step in solving a problem is identifying it.
  5. Gather information and support. Ask other people how they handled this situation. Not only does this help you get ideas on how to deal with the situation, but also let’s you know you’re not alone. Other people have faced what you are and gotten through it.
  6. Contemplate your past success with change. You’ve made it through other problems, changes, etc, you can get through this too.
  7. Celebrate!

The bottom line is – events are neutral, it is our response to them that determines our outcomes. What we believe about ourselves determines how we think. We rarely examine our thoughts and beliefs, they’ve become habit, we aren’t even conscious of them. Awareness is the first key. Listen to what you tell yourself and question whether it is helping or hindering you. You always have a choice to think differently which will affect your emotional state.

What the heck is Psycho-Cybernetics?

What the heck is psycho-cybernetics?

I happened to pick up the book Psycho-Cybernetics 2000 by Maxwell Maltz Foundation and Bobbe Sommer a couple of months ago. It says on the cover that it has helped millions find greater self-esteem and fulfillment and the premise of the book is “by expanding your self-image you expand the limits of your talents and capabilities.” Bottom line is when you develop positive inner goals you will be able to create positive outer goals. It asserts you’ll never change your behavior until you change your self-image.

You may wonder why I read these books if my focus is on helping entrepreneurs. Shouldn’t I be more concerned about marketing, business plans, financials, etc? While those are all important to a business,what I’ve discovered is none of that matters if you can’t get past your own fears and self-limiting beliefs. That is why I spend so much time learning about how we think and exploring our mindset. The first step to creating a successful business is believing you can.

Much of what the book said resonated with me. As a coach, I think the most valuable part of my training was becoming aware of and questioning the validity of my own thoughts and beliefs. We tend to live with them as if they are unchangeable truths, when in fact, we can choose to change them at any time. But the problem is most of us are unaware of what we think and believe because they’ve become so ingrained and habitual. So we react instead of respond and get tripped up by our own negative thinking or as psycho-cybernetics would explain it, a poor self-image.

What does psycho-cybernetics mean anyway? Maltz believed the mind/body connection regulates our self-concept or image. Cybernetics, according to Wikipedia, is “an approach for exploring regulatory systems, their structures, constraints and possibilities … Cybernetics is used when a system displays a closed signaling loop – a ‘circular causal’ relationship. The action in the system creates a change in the environment and that change is reflected in the system and triggers a system change.”

In English, cybernetics refers to an automatic guidance system. Maltz believed that our brain and nervous system function as a “servomechanism” or goal seeking device. According to Maltz, it is our self-image that determines whether we are successful or not. And what determines our self-image? Our thoughts and beliefs. We always act in a way that is consistent with our self-image.

Like computers (but so much more complex), our brains follow whatever directions we give it. We have a conscious and subconscious mind. Our conscious mind looks at its options and chooses the one it sees best. When it makes its choice, all other options are eliminated at that moment.

The subconscious mind will move in the direction and do whatever the conscious mind tells it.

Our experiences, upbringing, religion, socializing, schooling, etc have all played a huge part in creating our thoughts and beliefs. Through repetition, those thoughts and beliefs have become ingrained and habitualized in our subconscious. Problems in our self-image occur when we internalize negative thoughts and beliefs and we are unable to move beyond them. We think we are bad at math, hence any other options cease to exist so our subconscious mind follows orders – bad at math. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point.

Psycho-Cybernetics is about becoming aware of these habitual patterns of thought and self-limiting beliefs and reprogramming your brain for success.

Psycho-Cybernetics consists of six steps:

  1. Program yourself for success.
  2. Imagine your way to success
  3. Relax
  4. Set goals
  5. Use negative feedback for course correction
  6. Disinhibit your personality

Step one is about being aware of our thoughts. Are they serving or hindering us? Does the belief that you are bad at math serve you when you are trying to look at the financials of your business or do they hinder you, resulting in overspending, low margins, etc. Negative thoughts and beliefs equal negative outcomes.

Our thoughts and beliefs aren’t unchangeable truths. You have a choice. Your subconscious mind will follow whatever you choose, good or bad.

What do you do about those negative thoughts? Maltz offers CRAFT – you become aware and challenge the negative thoughts/ beliefs and replace them with positive ones –

  • Cancel the negative data (actually say “cancel” out loud),
  • Replace it with a positive thought,
  • Affirm your new image to yourself,
  • Focus on the image of a successful you and
  • Train yourself for lasting change (acting as if).

Visualization is also a powerful tool used in psycho-cybernetics. Our brain can’t distinguish between a real or imagined event. By visualizing a successful outcome, you are, in essence, training your brain. Athletes do it all the time with mental rehearsal. It’s the ol’ “fake-it-till-you-make-it” concept.

Programming yourself and imagining success is essentially bringing your thoughts and beliefs into your awareness and challenging those that aren’t serving you and creating a new vision of how you want to be, rewriting a new script, telling a different story, through visualization.

The next step is to learn to relax.The whole point of these books is to take control of your life and create it on your terms. Unfortunately, it can be hard to think clearly or creatively when we are stressed. We actually have three brains. One is our primitive brain – it operates strictly on instinct, one is for emotions and the neo-cortex is what gives us our distinct advantage over other primates. It’s all about higher reasoning and critical thinking. However, when we are stressed, our primitive brain takes over. We are in survival mode. We react, we’re operating on instinct. It overrides all critical thinking. There’s no time for that – we’re in danger.

Managing stress is imperative to being able to achieve our goals.

The key to a lot of modern day stress is to understand most situations are neutral. It is our response to it that creates stress. We also tend to take ownership of problems that aren’t ours. 

Can you depersonalize the situation? Mistakes or problems do not define you. Do not identify with your disappointments. There is a big difference between “I made a mistake” and “I am a failure”. Making a mistake doesn’t make you a failure.

What’s a guiding system without a target, right? Goals give us direction, otherwise we’ll just be drifting along like flotsam in a river, at the mercy of the current. It’s important to choose goals that are yours – not what your parents want, your spouse, your best friend, etc. (I specifically address the goal setting process in my book Stop Dreaming About Your Life and Start Living It). Goals force you to stretch outside of your comfort zone so take small steps. Give yourself time to grow into your goals. And while you should have a plan, remain flexible and take consistent action. If something doesn’t work, try something else. Don’t get caught in the trap of “trying harder”. You didn’t make a mistake, it’s not you. Consider it feedback and do something different. Keep moving forward.

My take on psycho-cybernetics is when we quit buying into our negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs and replace them with positive, productive ones, we are on the path to achieving our goals.

 

 

 

 

3 Tools to take action on your goals

3 tools to take action on your goals

What percentage of people do you think achieve their New Year’s resolutions? 50%? 33%? 12%?

It’s actually 8%. I’m not surprised. We sincerely want to quit our bad habits, pursue our dreams and be our best selves, but when it’s time to work on our goals, why are we suddenly compelled to clean out the vegetable drawer – or is that just me? Our intentions are good but our follow through, well, sucks.

To make matters worse, when I set goals I think I have superhuman powers and put unrealistic demands on myself and my time – who needs sleep? I never questioned this approach and each time I felt like a failure because not only did I NOT reach my goal, I barely got started.

I thought I lacked discipline but the problem wasn’t me, the problem was my approach. I didn’t need iron-clad willpower, what I needed was a system that took me from planning to DOING. Action is the only way to build momentum and create new habits and I’ve discovered a few tools that helped me move through my fears and resistance to reach my goals.

But first, I’d like to talk about how our brain works. Our brains have 3 parts:

  • the primitive brain handles our survival instincts,
  • The limbic is our emotional brain and is used for building social bonds.
  • The neocortex is the thinking brain, used for logic and reasoning.

For goal-setting purposes, it’s important to know that when you experience fear or stress, the primitive brain is going to override the thinking brain. Every. Single. Time. It’s going to do everything in its power to alleviate that stress. My unrealistic plans triggered some fear and my primitive brain reacted, thus the overwhelming desire to clean the fridge. I needed a subtler approach so my brain worked for, not against me. The tools that work for me are: break it down, the 5 minute plan and low expectations.

1. Break it Down

In my previous process, to use a writing analogy, I tried to jump from never writing to a finished novel overnight. It’s like expecting a baby that just learned how to roll over to start running. I was depriving myself of the learning opportunities in all those little steps and the habits and confidence they built. I finally realized that achieving a goal means growing into it, one step at a time.

2. Commit to 5 Minutes

The 5 minute plan is a another great tool to overcome resistance. I actually thought I could work 3 hours a night, 5 nights a week and another 16 hours on the weekend to work on my goals, in addition to my full-time job and everything else life threw at me. And I wondered why I couldn’t get started! Then a coach suggested I turn it down a notch and start with 5 minutes. It seems counter-intuitive, What could I accomplish in 5 minutes? Never mind that I wasn’t accomplishing anything before

Here’s the thing, getting started is often the hardest part and 5 minutes is ridiculously easy and non-threatening (remember that primitive brain?), that it was easy to commit to. And if you know Newton’s First Law of Motion, an object in motion tends to stay in motion. Five minutes is usually all I need to overcome inertia and get the ball rolling.

3. Lower Expectations

The final tool is lower your expectations. Now, I’m not saying lower your standards, always do your best. Just accept in the beginning your best might not be all that good. But in order to improve you have to practice. I read about a pottery teacher that did an experiment. He told one class that they would be graded on the quantity of pots they made. He told another their grades would be based on one pot. The class that was graded on quantity actually produced the best pots. Why? Practice! They were focused on the process while the one pot class was focused on the product. In the beginning quantity is more important than but will eventually lead to quality. It’s the process, all that practice that matters, not the product, which is just the end result. So quit worrying about how good it is.

Pursuing our goals is gratifying but the path is seldom easy. It’s good to have some tools that we can use that work with our brain to get us started as well as get us back on track if we slip into old habits when the novelty and excitement of our goal wears off. When you are having trouble getting started I challenge you to apply breaking things down, the 5 minute plan and lowering your expectations.

The Missing Factor in Career Advice

the missing piece of career advice

After a huge transition, an awakening if you will, when I realized I had been letting fear run my life, I decided moving forward that I would live in love.

Love doesn’t seem like a topic for a career blog, but I don’t see my work as separate from my life – my work brings me life and I bring life into my work. Living in love is my personal motto on how I want to live all aspects of my life.

There are some core beliefs to my philosophy of living in love. I chose them because they resonated with me. I keep returning to these when faced with a challenge to help ground me and put things into perspective so I can move forward on a positive note.

Acceptance

I think the first, Acceptance, is the hardest to put into practice. We have strong beliefs and opinions about how life is suppose to be and how people should behave. When things don’t fall in line with what we want, we tend to react negatively – judging, criticizing, or getting angry. But none of that changes the reality of what has happened or who people are, including ourselves. I’ve put myself through so much grief because I was trying to get reality to line up with my expectations. Reality couldn’t care less what I wanted. I was fighting a losing battle, making myself miserable and hurting my relationships.

Acceptance begins with ourselves. It has a trickle down effect because once we accept ourselves, warts and all, we become accepting of others. When we quit judging ourselves, we don’t feel the need to judge others and become open to new perspectives. Acceptance has shown me that I can learn from others when I really listen and try to understand someone instead of trying to impose my beliefs, point of view or prove I’m right. Many of our struggles disappear when we quit fighting reality and accept what is and who people are. Peace comes when we trade expectations for acceptance.

Generosity

Author Jay Woodman said “Just be yourself. You don’t ever have to pretend you are someone else. If you try to do that then you don’t have anything to give the world. Accept and give your gifts with love.”

I love that he used the word “gifts”. I use that word to remind myself to give freely with no expectations. I like to think of generosity as sharing our gifts.

I spent a good portion of my life worried about what others thought of me and twisting myself up like a pretzel to win their approval. I realized that this hyper focus on me (“will they like me?”) was rooted in fear and got in the way of what I wanted to create – meaningful relationships. When I shifted my focus to others, trying to figure out how I could be of service to them, I was able to make the connections I desired with relative ease.

We all have something to give. The media wants us to believe it should be big, splashy, extravagant and EXPENSIVE but the truth is, the most precious gifts we can offer cost nothing – a smile, words of encouragement, a warm embrace, our undivided attention or acceptance because when genuinely offered, they come from our hearts.

I found that sharing my gifts is it’s own reward but it also opened my eyes to the many gifts that present themselves daily – a beautiful sunset, an “I love you” from my son, or a tasty meal. Which brings me to…

Gratitude

Years ago I read a parenting book and the only thing that stuck with me was we get what we focus on. If all we think about is the lack in our life, nothing will ever be enough. If all we ever see is problems, we’ll miss the opportunities. Gratitude opens our eyes to the limitless potential of the universe while dissatisfaction closes our eyes to it.

Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. If we’re thankful for what we have, show our appreciation and return kindnesses then our hearts will open.

Advertisers want us to believe that happiness can be bought, but true happiness comes from cultivating a grateful heart – to be thankful for what we have instead of focusing on what we don’t. We are surrounded by riches if we just open our eyes to the beauty around us. Gratitude helps us grow and expand and brings joy and laughter into our lives and into the lives of all of those around us.

My life has changed in ways I could never have imagined since I decided to live in love. I found fulfilling work, richer and deeper connections and a sense of calm and peace. It’s not advice you’ll find in traditional business books but then again, traditional career advice got me nowhere, maybe because it only focused on the brain and didn’t include the heart.

 

Wisdom from Trailblazing Women

I recently joined the National Association of Professional Women (NAPW) and went attended my first meeting Tuesday evening. The title of the meeting was  Powerful Women at SXSW and included Terri Gruca (KVUE anchorwoman), Brandy Amstel (filmmaker), Laura McCanlies (Business Technology) and Teryn Fogel (producer).

Shame on me because I wasn’t prepared to take notes and there was a lot of really good information and advice. Here are the highlights:

  • Try to be the smartest person in the room, it’s not about IQ or being a know-it-all, it’s about being prepared. Don’t bring up problems unless you can also offer solutions.
  • Take ownership of your future. Don’t wait for permission to do what you want to do. Go after it. This is a huge issue with many women. We wait for someone to make the offer instead of going after what we want.
  • Be the one with the idea or innovation and don’t be afraid to sell your idea. Speak up and be the first to get your idea out there.
  • Be true to yourself (this came up a lot). Realize not everyone is going to like you. (I heard a saying that sums it up perfectly. I call it SW3 – some will, some won’t, so what).
  • Stand up for yourself and for your vision. Don’t be wishy-washy and let other people water it down. Women tend to be pleasers so we’ll back down in an effort to gain approval. We need to stand in our power.
  • When asked what they considered the key principle that brought success they answered with:
    • Trust your gut,
    • curiosity,
    • a willingness and desire to learn,
    • listening,
    • understanding where other people are coming from,
    • connecting with others,
    • reading between the lines.
  • Advice they’d give to women starting out in their business –
    • Take time to get to know yourself
    • Be willing to experiment – it’s how you’ll figure out what you want to do, your talents, passions, etc. Get a broad base of knowledge and then narrow it down (or not)
    • Don’t be complacent. Grown, expand and try to learn something new about your job to love or look for new things to be excited about.
    • Figure out what is really important to you.
  • When asked as a trailblazer, how did were they able to move forward without affirmation. Brandy gave a wonderful answer when she said she didn’t need affirmation from others. Her affirmation came from knowing who she was and following her own path. Her affirmation came from her heart, not from some external source. Terri expanded on Brandy’s comment by saying it is our responsibility to do it for other people even if we don’t get it.

It was an inspiring and memorable panel and I was also impressed with my chapter president, Kerri, who did a marvelous job of asking the questions and moderating the discussion. I don’t know how other chapters do it but I was blown away with the Austin Chapter. It’s obvious that they are truly devoted to lifting each other up.

 

 

The Importance of Self-Care

The Importance of Self-CareWednesday morning I was psyched! I had attended a Texas Business Women’s meeting the night before and was excited about the connections I made as well as the organization itself. By dinnertime I had turned into the Grinch – I didn’t want any contact with anyone whatsoever. All I wanted to do was crawl into a cave and be left alone.

What happened?

The whole episode brought home a very important but often overlooked point – in order to function at our optimal level we need to take care of ourselves.As an introvert, I recharge by being alone. I hadn’t any quality time with myself for over six weeks and I was getting cranky.

It’s a mistake to think you don’t have time for self-care when you have goals you want to achieve and deadlines to meet. But we only hinder our progress if we try to press on when we are hungry, tired, unfocused and/or stressed out. We need to pay careful attention to our physical, emotional and intellectual needs along the way.

Taking care of ourselves can take on many different forms depending on who you are and where you are in life. We need to meet our physical needs for food, water, sleep and shelter. We need to meet our emotional needs with social connections and we need to meet our intellectual needs – to be challenged and grow.

In addition to the standard advice of eating right, exercising and getting enough sleep there are a million little and big things we can do. Some of my favorite are:

  • Making and eating a home cooked meal
  • Watching a funny movie
  • A hot, candle lit bubble bath
  • Curling up under a blanket on a cold day and drinking hot chocolate
  • Being in nature (walking, hiking)
  • Getting a massage, manicure and/or pedicure
  • Decluttering and organizing (yep, I’m weird)
  • Sitting around a campfire and looking at the stars
  • Getting a hug from family and friends
  • Dancing (both country and goofing around the house to good tunes)
  • Laying in a hammock and reading a good book
  • Pursuing a hobby (mine are knitting, crochet and sewing)
  • Wine tasting
  • Having a deep philosophical conversation
  • Swinging (on a swing – I’ll never be too old to play on a swing set)
  • gardening
  • yoga

Make sure you are making time to care for yourself. All I needed was to close myself off in my room, get under the covers and read a good book. It made a world of difference in my energy level and attitude the next day.

What do you do to take care of yourself?

 

 

Who Owns the Problem – Taking Back Control

Who owns the problem - taking back controlDiane is intelligent, driven and stuck in a dead end job. “Why do I always settle for boring jobs I’m overqualified for?”, she asked in a recent session. “I know I have so much more to contribute but whenever I see a position that really interests me, I always seem to find some excuse why I’m not cut out for it.”

Melissa, on the other hand, has been the rising star of her company. She was recently promoted to a managerial position. But her star is starting to look a little tarnished. Her boss sat her down recently because her department wasn’t hitting its goals. She thinks her former coworkers are jealous of her success and trying to sabotage her.

What do these two women have in common? In order to find the solution they need to figure out who owns the problem.

Whenever you are stuck, blaming someone else or making excuses chances are  you are either taking ownership of a problem that’s NOT yours or avoiding a problem that IS yours.

After some further questioning, Diane told me she paid for her college education although her parents footed the bill for her brother. Her father didn’t see any point in a woman getting an education. His expectations for Diane didn’t go beyond getting married and having children. The message she got was women aren’t as worthy. All through college, her father constantly called her “Miss High and Mighty” for daring to want more. And while she did graduate from college, her father’s message became the tape that played in her head. Diane was taking responsibility for a problem she didn’t own. It was eating away at her self-esteem and keeping her trapped in jobs well below her skill level. She had internalized her father’s opinion instead of viewing it as just that – HIS opinion. She didn’t own the problem – her father did.

Melissa charged into her managerial position like a bull in a china shop. She implemented changes and then started micromanaging her team. Her team rebelled and dug their heels in and productivity dropped. Melissa didn’t see how her managerial style was affecting morale and tried to pass off her problem on to her coworkers, blaming them for not hitting the goals. After overhearing one of her employees call her “The Dictator”, she questioned how her behavior might be affecting everyone else. She took ownership of the problem and began changing how she interacted with her team.

We all want control over our lives and the answer to “who owns the problem” is all about who has control. When you are owning someone else’s problem, like Diane, you are letting someone else control you. When you are blaming someone else for your problem, you are trying to control them. The only person we have control over is ourselves so it’s important to take care of our own problems.

 

Scorecard for Success

success is consistently doing the right things

I’m working with a client who wants to start her own business. Her idea is solid; she spent a lot of time researching it and putting together a business plan and website. But when it came time to implement it, she suddenly found herself distracted and losing interest. Her enthusiasm waned and she ignored it for a year. She hired me after she was laid off from her job and the thought of looking for another “soul-sucking” position (her words) made her sick and depressed. She realized it was time to go for it.

With coaching, she saw how her lack of confidence, self-doubts and fear of rejection were holding her back from marketing and promoting her business.

Marketing and self-promotion are vital to the success of any business. It doesn’t matter how good your idea is if no one knows about it. This was the problem my client was running into. She was focusing on her fears and doubts it triggered and stopped her from doing anything.

I’ve been in her shoes. When I created my business I wasn’t getting much attention. I knew the next step was to promote it and I procrastinated. I suffered from the same self-doubts and fear of rejection many of my clients have. (It’s a common issue with many woman). Suddenly it dawned on me. Building a client base is nothing more than consistently taking the right action. It’s a numbers game and a scorecard is the perfect tool. Not only can you track your progress, it also diverts your attention away from all those imaginary goblins in your mind (that trigger your worst fears) by giving you concrete steps to focus on.

Scorecard for Success

Here’s how it works. Write down all the steps needed to achieve your goal. In my client’s case, it’s increasing traffic to her website. How do you get traffic to your website? There are a number of things you can do:

  • start a blog and post regularly
  • offer a freebie for subscribers
  • build a presence in your industry’s community (think Linkedin or professional associations)
  • guest blog
  • be a podcast guest
  • give a speech
  • submit articles

Pick a few things you think will give you the best results and be consistent in your efforts. If you don’t know where to start, look at what other successful people did and start there.

Marketing is about building a presence and trust. It’s not a one shot deal, you need to do it consistently and this is where most people fail. They are impatient, want results too soon and give up. But if you are patient and consistently take the right action, eventually things will tip in your favor.

Create your Scorecard

Create a spreadsheet (or just write it on a piece of paper, it doesn’t have to be fancy or complicated) and write down in one column all your steps. Every time you do something on your scorecard, mark it. I find a weekly scorecard works best. At the end of the week tally up how many times you did each step (i.e. wrote a blog post, articles submitted, etc). Don’t overwhelm yourself with too many things. Start with three things and re-evaluate after a couple of months.

Keeping score accomplishes a couple of things:

  1. Weekly “to-do” list of action items. We tend to complicate things. Having a scorecard creates a system. All you have to do is work it.
  2. Stay focused. In the beginning, you will expend more effort and energy on your goal because you haven’t gained any momentum. Ideally, after consistently taking the right action and things are moving, it will take less effort to maintain your momentum. Focus on your action steps and give them time to work instead of jumping all over the place and wondering why nothing’s working.
  3. Feedback. How do you know if you’re taking the right action? Numbers don’t lie. Try something and give it sufficient time (three months) and if you aren’t getting the results you want, try something different! When you have quantifiable data you can properly asses your progress and switch gears where needed.
  4. Build good habits. When you do something consistently, you end up creating a habit. Good habits simplify life.

The scorecard was a game changer for me and my clients. It’s simple and effective. Give it a try for one of your goals.